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Have you tried using a query layer? This may allow you to filter what is added without ArcMap reading all the features first. If you make any GIS services from this, be aware that the ArcGISSOC account on the Server will need to be able to access query layer information and the server(s) will need to have the same database access settings as the desktop machine.
What is a query layer?
You can add a subset by going to your gp toolbox and use the Make Feature layer tool.
Toolboxes\System Toolboxes\Data Management Tools.tbx\Layers and Table Views\Make Feature Layer
or if you wanted to add the entire dataset you could modify your arcmap options and uncheck the setting to "make newly added layers visible by default" (it's on the General tab). Then set a Scale Range for you layer. check it on then publish it...